I was sitting in church today thinking about how I haven’t written a blog post in quite some time. I now just looked at my blog and realized it was September when I had my run in with “backpack boy”. That was indeed quite a bit of time ago.
Recently I haven’t really had much to write. A lot has gone on, yet it has all kind of stayed inside my brain. (I’m sure my therapist would have something to say about that. Luckily, my therapist doesn’t know about the existence of my blog. Ha!) I’ve had a lot of fascinating and thought provoking conversations and experiences that I thought surely could have led to blog posts or even reflections in my journal. But alas, such is life.
I have always vowed I will never be one of those bloggers that writes just to be heard because frankly that’s why I hate lots of blogs and I ultimately want there to be purpose in my writing. When my fans demanded I jump on the blogging train during my sojourn abroad (ugh, isn’t fame the worst???), I made it clear to those who chose to read my blog that I’m not your typical blogger. I'm not like a regular blogger, I'm a cool blogger!
Through many of the thought provoking conversations and experiences mentioned above, I have been learning a lot about how much I value and try to control the way other people perceive me. I don’t want people to look down on me for being “basic” for blogging about nothing or for people to think I’m self-absorbed because I think people care enough about what I have to say to have a blog in the first place.
This value I place on my reputation has become rather apparent lately as I have been trying to figure out what I will do after I graduate. In my job search, I have found myself not even considering certain positions because of what other people will think. Or, rather, what I project other people might possibly think. I don’t want to go into one thing out of fear that I will make a lot of money and people will think I’m “selling out to corporate America”. But I don’t want to go into other things out of fear that I won’t make enough money or people won’t be impressed by my prestigious title. I say I want to find purpose in my work make a difference in the world, but I think I am often more concerned with being perceived as doing such than actually doing it. Would I be as satisfied with changing the world if nobody knew I was the one changing it?
I would like to think the answer to that question is “yes”, but I am a broken and sinful human being and if I search my soul (something I love doing), the answer is most likely “no”. This seemingly altruistic goal is often muddied by prideful intentions. I’m not valuing the betterment of the world, rather I’m valuing my own reputation and the perception I believe other people may have of me.
When asked if we would rather actually make a positive difference in the world without any recognition or maybe make a subtle difference but with significant recognition, the “right” answer seems obvious. But upon honest reflection, the second choice can often seem pretty appealing.
The older I grow, the more backwards I realize Christianity is. Because unlike Christianity, the world glorifies big achievements. It tells us that we get what we deserve and holds hard work and ambition in the highest regard. We want to be recognized and known. Jesus was pretty revolutionary and world-changing, but not because he was ambitiously searching for recognition or strategically climbing any metaphorical ladders. Rather, he continually humbled himself and endured emotional and physical pain and suffering beyond anything I could ever imagine.
It seems silly to worry about my reputation if I claim to want to be like Jesus. I mean, Jesus literally had people trying to kill him from the moment he popped out the womb (Matthew 2:16). As far as reputations go, he didn’t start off on a great foot. Jesus did everything during his time on Earth to bring glory to God and people hated him because of it. Countless others throughout history have dedicated much of their lives to bring glory to themselves and people have hated them because of it. Because we are sinners, we constantly judge ourselves and judge others based on the choices we make. No matter how much I try to please the world with my choices, someone will be disappointed or disagree.
Therefore, I am working to focus my time and energy on serving the Lord and bringing joy to others rather than obsessing over how people may perceive me. I am a broken sinner so I mostly likely fail at this goal more often than not, but I would like to think the effort is worth it. So, in conclusion, whatever I end up doing after graduation, feel free to judge me, I will most likely care a lot about what you think but I will also be actively working on not doing that!!!